top 5 things money can't buy

1. a dinosaur

2. a library card

3. talent

4. a dog's love

5. a dodo burger

top 5 reasons I'm not proud to be British

1. 80% of the people

2. David Cameron and George Osborne really are are the two most powerful people in the country

3. The next most powerful person is, quite possibly, Simon Cowell

4. The way that the people behave when abroad (especially prior to the introduction of home rule)

5. The uneven distribution of opportunity

top 5 ways to have eggs

1. Poached

2. Scrambled

3. Fried

4. Boiled

5. Omelette

Sorry, pickled.

top 5 things that make me proud to be British

1. The BBC

2. David Beckham

3. The (largely Scottish) achievements in science, thought and literature in the 18th & 19th centuries

4. The pub

5. All those excellent people down the ages who have also been British (Florence Nightingale, Alan Turing, David Hume, David Bowie, Charles Babbage Boudica et al, I'm looking at you)

top 5 easy ways to tell the world you're a twat

1. Personalised number plate (even if it says "1M N0T A TW4T", it says "I'm a twat")

2."I'm not racist, but..."

3. Sunglasses at night, or indoors*

4. Grow a goatee

5. Join the Conservatives


* unless you're blind