top 5 things money can't buy

1. a dinosaur

2. a library card

3. talent

4. a dog's love

5. a dodo burger

top 5 ways to have eggs

1. Poached

2. Scrambled

3. Fried

4. Boiled

5. Omelette

Sorry, pickled.

top 5 easy ways to tell the world you're a twat

1. Personalised number plate (even if it says "1M N0T A TW4T", it says "I'm a twat")

2."I'm not racist, but..."

3. Sunglasses at night, or indoors*

4. Grow a goatee

5. Join the Conservatives


* unless you're blind

top 5 ones to watch in 2011*

1. Claimant- A largely shadowy figure, Herne Hill resident and dubstep producer Claimant (Jules Fflyte to his parents) is ready to leap forth into the spotlight this year. Following successful collaborations with the likes of Rai Jah and Aliis Mitchell in the last 12 months and some of the biggest remixes going, Claimant's debut solo album Made Of This has the hooks, and the sub-bass to define the sound of 2011.

2. Clutch Frond- This Brooklyn, NY boy-girl duo describe their sound as 'like swimming with dolphins in a sea of honey' and it's easy to understand exactly what they mean when you listen to their Elegant Dimensions EP. A swooning, blurry mix of blissful vocals, ethereal synths and afrobeat rhythms CF are reshaping the chillwave landscape.

3. Vouchsafe- As much an urban poet as an MC, the newest graduate from the Shankin Crew Records (Grubbz, Manhandle ) stable looks like the game-changer. With a unique brand of funk samples and dark truth, Vouchsafe is a sound that demands to be heard. Debut album 'I Come Dis Far Already, But I Still Got Far To Go' looks set to establish him as the new voice of Britain's forgotten youth.

4. Blokes- Mancunian lad-band Blokes are the most-likely-to of the latest breed of boys-with-guitars aiming to break free from the landfill indie tag, and to re-establish the six-string. Blokes have gone back to basics to create a classic British sound, citing The Who, Oasis and The Twang amongst their influences. Brothers Jamo and Baz Carroll are the beating heart of Blokes, and their notorious on (and off)-stage antics are already leading to comparisons with a certain other Manchester band. Signed after an old-school industry bunfight, the lads' debut 7" Pints, Pills & Pussy sold out in 22 minutes.

5. Slutti P- With her notorious 'tude, Slutti P is the newest diva on the block. Slutti (Samantha Platt) has been hand-picked as the protegé of white-hot producers Hamma & Sickle, and the fruits of their warehouse sessions are getting the public and the taste-makers equally excited. Youtube smash hit video Bitchslap has set her at odds with the Daily Mail, but there's no such thing as bad publicity, right? Certainly not when it's brought the likes of Fearne Cotton and Dappy to your defense. Slutti is all set to "bitchslap" 2011 in the face.


* don't actually try to watch them. I invented them this afternoon.

top 5 things that seemed important in 2010

1. the World Cup

2. Eyjafjallajokull

3. "I agree with Nick"

4. iPad

5. the Pope